Not All Advice is the Same
There is no lack of advice in the world. Some might argue that there is a glut of opinion and advice in our current age. Any YouTube fan knows that if you have almost any problem, many content providers are eager to provide you with a solution.
But it's unlikely that the typical YouTube advisor, giving generic advice, has taken the time to get to know you and the distinctive issues you're facing. That doesn't mean the advice aimed at the general public isn't valuable. Still, it does take some shopping around to get the exact advice you need in public forums, and such advice may not always be a comfortable fit for every person's unique experience.
That's why personal advice can be of more use. It's a person-to-person experience and can be more customizable to the situation and the individuals involved. There can also be a more supportive aspect to advice-giving when an ongoing or more intimate relationship allows for some follow-up.
It's important to understand that personal advice requires a certain mindset and skill set to be effective. We've all received advice we haven't asked for from others. Or maybe we've walked away from advisors feeling misunderstood and disrespected because they didn't take the time to get to know our unique issues before spouting off. I know I have.
A good advisor needs a modicum of humility and restraint. After all, nobody knows everything about everything, nor everything about everybody seeking advice. More care needs to be taken when we advise on a personal level than when we advise the general public.
Off-the-cuff and glib advice filled with ulterior motives can damage our meaningful relationships. We need to be thoughtful and honest in our advice-giving.
How to Give Better Personal Advice
To avoid causing harm rather than helping when giving advice, try these suggestions:
Always Ask Permission Before Advising: Asking permission before offering advice is a way of showing respect. It acknowledges the person's boundaries and respects their autonomy and choice to accept or reject your suggestion.
Many people will be polite and accept advice even if they don't want it. But if you ask permission, at least you've done your part in honoring the other person's boundaries. If they don't want the advice, it's up to the advisee to decide whether they want to enforce their boundaries. But, by asking, you've been respectful. You've done your part.
"I have some thoughts on what might help here. Could I tell you what's worked for me in the past?"
- Dig Deeper: Make sure that after you receive permission, you understand what the advisee is inviting you to comment on. Most people want to feel understood. Ask open-ended questions about the situation to understand the issue the person is dealing with.
Taking the time to understand the advisee's problem is another way of showing respect. Not taking the time to do this vital step signals that you may not care about the person enough to explore the pain points where they need help. (And don't forget to respect boundaries here as well. )
"May I ask you a question about your situation?"
- Check Your Motivation: Advice is generally best given from a place of generosity and kindness. If your advice is a veiled attempt to tell someone that "you told them so" or some other way of making them feel inferior for needing advice, you may want to think twice if you care about the relationship.
Keep your motivation pure and pull back on your ego when it feels like it's getting in the way of giving counsel in an honestly helpful way. Most people have experienced getting advice from someone harboring a manipulative, overly superior, or hostile attitude. This tends not to be helpful.
- Share Your Experience: Sharing your experiences can be an optional enhancer to your advice-giving, but do so in moderation. Talk about relevant experiences you've had without taking the focus away from the advisee or their problem. Recounting your similar experience can be helpful by showing you have a solid foundation for empathy and understanding.
However, how a particular solution worked for you may not resonate with the person you advise, so you may want to reinforce the idea that this is your unique experience and may not apply to everyone. While "I statements" are frequently used to manage arguments, they can also be helpful when offering advice. Sprinkle "I statements" in any account of your experience to emphasize that this story was part of your journey and that the same thing may or may not apply to everyone.
- Talk About Possibilities Rather Than Prescriptions: Don't be overly rigid with your advice. Many roads lead to Rome. Depending on your relationship with the individual, you may want to brainstorm and work on offering a variety of alternative suggestions. Within reason, you want to give your advisee more to work with, not less. More advice may seem more complex than less advice, but more advice also allows the advisee to explore options and have more to choose from.
You may be more helpful if you see advice-giving as less of a top-down interaction and more of a collaboration between two people. Remember that the advisee is always within their rights to refuse to accept your advice or guidance. Most people will be less likely to refuse advice if they feel your suggestions do not threaten their autonomy.
And if your advisee doesn't resonate with your advice, try not to take it personally. Remember, your advice is about their lives; they always have the right to choose or reject it.
"Have you considered maybe doing this or that?"
Go And Advise, But Do So Thoughtfully
In conclusion, advice is a powerful tool to help us solve problems, learn new things, and grow as individuals. However, not all advice is the same, and we should be careful when giving and receiving it. Advice that is generic, unsolicited, or motivated by ego may not be helpful or even harmful. Personal, respectful, and empathetic advice may be more effective and beneficial. The next time you need or offer advice, remember these tips and make sure that your advice is well-intended and well-delivered.