The Very Essential Difference Between Privacy and Hiding
When is the appropriate time to self-disclose?
While the difference between privacy and hiding may be fairly intuitive, with the burgeoning mass interactive media of the last quarter century or so, our society has a complicated relationship with self-disclosure and how much is too much—or too little. In the current attention economy, how much we reveal about ourselves and our ideas is almost a currency. Do we spend personal information, or do we stuff it in our proverbial mattresses as something we value enough to keep safe from people who might misuse it? When we think of our truths like money, do we spend it foolishly, invest it wisely, or save it in a safe place?
"Do not give dogs what is holy; do not throw your pearls before swine. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and then turn and tear you to pieces." — Jesus
In this world, every day presents us with challenges to choose between the cost of offering information and the cost of withholding it. When I started thinking about this subject, it seemed pretty cut and dried. Withholding information seemed either about privacy or hiding—control or shame. But there are tons of layers to it, which is what makes the subject so interesting to me.
Privacy sounded wholesome and full of self-determined boundaries and very intentional self-disclosure. Hiding sounded like a craven need to disappear from danger, real or perceived. But in time, I began to wonder if there wasn’t more overlap than my simplistic view allowed.
Hiding, in the face of real danger, can be a very healthy move. But then, that was counterbalanced with the idea that during times of danger, finding strength and support and boldly facing the danger can also be a very wholesome thing. Maybe even a more wholesome thing. I think the whole hiding thing gets tricky around the word “real” in “real danger.” And a lot depends on our capacity to address danger when it’s real.
The thing with significant trauma is that real danger and perceived danger sometimes get tangled up and are hard to distinguish. And that’s the difficult part because one of the ways to work with trauma is to test that which is seen as dangerous to discover whether the danger is misperceived in some erroneous or inflated way. The situation may not be dangerous at all, or it might not be quite as dangerous as we feared. Much of our hiding may not be all that necessary. If the danger is inflated, our misjudgment might be holding us back from conjuring up the strength we need to face and resolve it. It may seem too dangerous when it isn’t.
This is where the difference between privacy and hiding can become important. The shame and fear that causes us to hide, while sometimes well-earned, may not foster healing or the connection needed for healing. But self-disclosure that is too casual and too careless may also be counter-productive. So, when is privacy, when is hiding, and when is authentic self-disclosure the more useful approach?
“The personal life of every individual is based on secrecy, and perhaps it is partly for that reason that civilized man is so nervously anxious that personal privacy should be respected." — Anton Chekhov
In this age where we are constantly invited to curate our images, authenticity can be all too rare. That rarity can make us a bit hungry for it. I know I have a bias toward authenticity for that very reason. But that doesn’t necessarily invite excessive self-disclosure. There is such a thing as “too much information” provided too indiscriminately. See the Jesus and the swine quote above.
Authenticity doesn’t mean sharing everything. It just means that when you decide to share something, it should be the truth and nothing but the truth. But such times of authenticity also need to be times of wisdom and discernment. “Is this the right time and the right place to tell this truth? Is it safe and is it useful?” Those questions, as necessary as they are, aren’t always so cut and dried either. Honest self-disclosure often comes down to taking a risk with eyes open—but even then, it may still be a risk well worth taking.
Part of my hunger to be more authentic is that I know the more I give of it, the more I receive. And the more authenticity that is exchanged between two people, the more connection it creates. Authenticity is about being generous with one’s truth. And this, in turn, allows others to feel safer sharing their truth more generously. Voila. Like water finding its level, a relationship deepens.
There are no cookie-cutter answers to questions about privacy, hiding, and self-disclosure. But similar questions to those that follow are worth asking and asking a lot.
Be honest.
When I speak, am I telling the truth as I understand it?
Am I missing out on healing or a deeper relationships because I’m more comfortable hiding?
Am I sharing because I feel lonely and unseen? (Loneliness and feeling unseen are both legitimate experiences we can address through wise self-disclosure—but oversharing might not be the answer for either. This isn’t about judging ourselves and our impulses; it’s about choosing with care.)
Am I choosing silence to honor my boundaries or only to protect my wounds?
When I withhold my truth, am I protecting myself or someone else’s perception of me? (Both can be legitimate in the right situations, but knowing the difference can lead to more intentional and informed action.)
By sharing this, am I seeking connection, validation, or release? Am I willing to ask for the support of others when seeking those things?
Do I need to be understood or to be safe? And do the two always need to compete, or can they be parts of the same need?
What might happen if I told my truth? And what might happen if I don’t?
Does the truth want to be spoken, or is it something I need to witness alone and treasure as something private?
Each of these questions can serve as a tuning fork, helping us sense—based on what we’ve lived, lost, or hidden—whether withholding or sharing is the more authentic choice.
Feel free to share your comments on the subject as you feel inspired.
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