Are You Reacting or Interacting?
They aren’t the same thing.
"One must fight for a life of action, not reaction." – Rita Mae Brown
Ever have one of those social media conversations where, after a while, you realize you have no idea who you’re passionately talking to—and you sure as hell know they have no idea who you are? And one or both of you are throwing down a lot of judgments of the other that are based on… what?
Impressions? Preconceptions? World views? Upbringing? Political party? Some vaguely similar experience from the past?
Maybe your reactivity encompasses dozens of influences that all fall short of actually finding out who the other person is.
I have. More times than I want to admit.
This is a reaction rather than an interaction.
Unfortunately, we live in a reactive world. Reactivity comes mostly from a defensive place. We react to ensure that we hold the other person’s thoughts, preferences, and ideas in place so that they don’t disrupt our own in any way that might make us uncomfortable. With reactions, we try to build confining walls around the other person. For example, someone who has experienced significant trauma may construct a reactive barrier as a perceived safeguard against a person who feels triggering to them. By preemptively labeling the other as “bad,” they create a psychological defense, hoping to shield themselves from any potential pain the exchange might bring.
We often react by attacking others or by defining them. God forbid, we should get to know them or find out what’s really going on with them. It may feel safer to guess on our own terms and with our own definitions.
And most off-the-cuff reactivity is just a guess.
That’s very different from interacting with people. Interacting with people involves taking an interest in who they are and what they think. We enter their world with empathy and a desire to discover who they are at their core. As humans, we will inevitably draw conclusions or judgments when we interact, but we do so more accurately through interaction than through reactive attempts to shape others in our own image. We become less arrogant and think of ourselves more humbly and as less god-like when we take the time to learn rather than assume. Where reaction is quick and easy, interaction takes real work.
Reaction is the fast food of relating, whereas interaction is an exquisite feast.
However, not all interactions are sincere. Sometimes, pseudo-interactions are attempted. This is when one party in the interaction is not acting in good faith. Instead, the one engaging in bad faith searches for chinks in the other person's armor—places where they can insert their own interpretation of who the other person is. This, perhaps, fits their preconceptions, helps them design a straw man argument, or somehow makes them feel in control. They listen for ways to actively twist the other’s words into a brand-spanking new custom narrative about that person. It can sometimes be creative, but it’s always phony.
This distinction is not about being polite or nice. Both can be overrated—and even manipulative. In a world where conversations shape relationships, careers, and even our self-perception, the difference between reacting and interacting is more than a philosophical nicety—it’s fundamental to how we connect. How real are we going to be when we touch each other’s lives? Are we going to react out of something reflexive and primal in ourselves, or are we going to call on our better natures and interact authentically with other people instead?
Signs Someone Is Choosing Reaction Rather Than Interaction
Here are a few things to look for when you’re in a suspicious conversation:
Instant defensiveness – Instead of engaging with curiosity, they immediately push back, deflect, or argue—without considering the full perspective. Their response feels reflexive rather than anything deeply considered.
Over-generalizing or labeling – They quickly put you into a category or stereotype instead of understanding your unique point of view. This often sounds like: “You’re just parroting talking points…,” "People like you always…," or "That’s just typical of [insert group]."
Listening to respond, not to understand – They don’t ask legitimate follow-up questions or show a genuine desire to explore your thoughts. They may ask insincere questions designed to obfuscate rather than ask anything helpful. Usually, it doesn’t matter. They’re often formulating a counterargument instead of paying attention to your answer anyway.
Emotionally charged language – Their words are driven by frustration, sarcasm, or exaggeration rather than constructive dialogue. Reactions often include personal attacks, absolutes ("That’s laughable!" or "You’re completely wrong!"), and dismissive tones.
Closed body language and tone – If the conversation is in person, they may exhibit rigid posture, crossed arms, eye-rolling, or an unwillingness to make eye contact. If online, it might manifest as abrupt, one-sided comments rather than engaged back-and-forth dialogue.
A Couple of Things to Know About Reactive Conversations
Whether it’s one person or all of the participants in a conversation reacting, know that reactive conversation is a “no-win” situation for everyone involved. At least one person is dealing in delusion. As long as that continues, truth remains elusive, and the conversation stays inauthentic. If they don’t take the time to get to know you, they have no idea what they are talking about when they try to counter your position, especially if the conversation devolves into ad hominem attacks. Those attempting genuine interaction will be bulldozed by those manipulating the conversation. It’s best to take your marbles and go home, or break into a smaller group with the folks who are willing to genuinely interact.
No sense wasting your time.
You have boundaries, even if the person doesn’t honor them. Don’t reflexively respond in any retaliatory, hostile fashion. That can be hard to do when someone is attacking you. Counter-attacking might feel good for a second, but you’ll feel like crap in the long run if you have any integrity at all. Hold on to your values. Also, let them know your boundaries and exactly where you draw the line in a meaningful conversation.
“You are welcome to your opinion, but what you think of me is none of my business.”
Most reactions aren’t part of some grand scheme—they’re reflexive. Even well-meaning people can fall into reactive patterns. However, their better motives don’t somehow make this disrespectful way of responding okay. Some people just don’t know any better.
“Honey, I’m telling you this for your own good.”
It’s not only strangers who react inappropriately. People who know you have a bit more information, but they can’t read your mind. It can be disrespectful for people close to you to react without first probing to find out what you are thinking and feeling about anything they might respond to.
“I think I know you well enough to know what’s going on. But I’d rather make sure. What are you thinking or feeling about this?”
Eight Things You Can Do If You Find Yourself in a Reaction-laced Conversation:
Pause Before Reacting – Instead of firing back immediately, take a moment to assess whether engagement is even worthwhile. A deliberate pause prevents knee-jerk responses and allows for a more intentional approach.
Clarify the Other Person’s Intent – Sometimes, a reactionary person isn’t entirely aware of their behavior. Asking “Are you trying to have a conversation or just push a point?” can shift the dynamic.
Redirect to Genuine Interaction – If they’re open to shifting gears, you might steer the conversation by saying, “I’d rather understand your actual perspective than just trade barbs and reactions. Can we take a step back?”
Name the Pattern – If someone is bulldozing, labeling, or manipulating the discussion, calmly pointing it out can neutralize the energy. “We’re both just reacting right now—this isn’t a real conversation.”
Set Boundaries and Disengage When Necessary – Not every conversation is worth your time. Saying something like “I don’t think this is going anywhere productive, so I’ll step out of this one” is both powerful and freeing.
Maintain Self-Control – The temptation to meet reactivity with reactivity is strong, but holding onto your integrity matters. Keeping your tone measured ensures you don’t let the conversation drag you into its dysfunction.
Use Humor or Deflection (When Appropriate) – A well-placed bit of humor can sometimes diffuse hostility. “I’m pretty sure this conversation is running on fumes. Want to start fresh?” can disarm intensity.
Keep This Link Handy – And post it in a sketchy thread if it’s online. If nothing else, it will show the other person you have their number, and you might restore some sanity. https://dlhill.substack.com/p/are-you-reacting-or-interacting
Every conversation is a choice—do we react, or do we interact? The difference shapes not only our relationships but also how we see ourselves and the world. If connection matters, then interaction matters. And if interaction matters, then it’s worth the work.
Journal or Comment Prompts
Have you ever found yourself in a conversation that felt more reactive than interactive? What did you do?
What strategies have worked for you when trying to steer a reactive conversation toward real interaction?
How do you personally set boundaries when faced with manipulative or bad-faith engagement?
Do you think social media makes genuine interaction harder or easier? Why?
What’s the biggest lesson you’ve learned about handling reactive conversations?
Can you recall a moment when someone surprised you by shifting from reaction to interaction? How did it change the discussion?
What role do you think trauma plays in how we react versus how we interact?
